


Fade

by PetalsToFish



Series: Alternate Universe Jily (Magical) [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Starcrossed Lovers, if they lived au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:49:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29078127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetalsToFish/pseuds/PetalsToFish
Summary: Imagine if Voldemort had picked the Longbottom family instead of the Potter's. Hold onto hope if you've got it, because survival is harder than you'd imagine. (if they lived AU)
Relationships: James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Series: Alternate Universe Jily (Magical) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2199822
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	Fade

November 1st was quiet and still.

Lily Potter could hear the curtains blowing against the walls thanks to a wintry breeze flowing in from the cracked windows. She could feel her husband's hands on her lower back as he snuggled in closer to her warmth under their patchwork quilt. A soft "good morning" echoed about the small bedroom as James kissed her bare shoulder devotedly. She turned over to face him, her hand automatically reaching to push back his curls affectionately. 

Lily waited for it, the inevitable cry of her son Harry, who just over a year and growing with each passing day. James and Lily had been up late and Lily hoped that Harry would sleep just a little bit longer so she could remain wrapped in James' firm embrace. Light filtered through the blue drapes on the window and turned strands of Lily's hair gold against the peach colored pillowcase. One of James' hands found its way to become wrapped in several of the strands, admiring them.

"How long before Harry wakes?" he thought quietly.

Lily stretched her toes like a cat before purring, "Hopefully not until after I'm done reminiscing about last night."

James chuckled favorably, his spare hand tracing her hip, just as it had been doing every night since she could last remember.

“Maybe we’ll have a new kid joining Harry in the future.”

She pushed her nose closer to his. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

James laughed and admitted, “I have baby fever, but only because _you_ make the cutest babies.”

“I do get some of your chromosomes.” She pinched him under the covers. “However, I will agree that Harry gets all his good looks from me.”

They both laughed at the joke because Harry was the spitting image of James. He only had Lily’s eyes, and she considered that a blessing. No kid should be cursed with her ghastly Evans complexion with James’ good looks to steal. 

"What do you want to do today?" James asked as they continued to bathe in the silence of their private peace. 

"Clean the kitchen?” She suggested. 

James' hazel eyes were squinting at her because without his glasses, he had the vision of a hinkypunk. His lips were downturned, but only because he was trying to get a good look at her expression. Lily made sure to keep her face as straight as possible. He groaned outwardly when she remained passive. 

"You're serious aren't you?" His feet tangled with hers. "Lily, dear, _please_ , can't we go to the park?"

"Dumbledore said—"

"Dumbledore says a lot of things Lily." James hit her purposely with his knee. "Let's get out of town for the day. You, me and Harry.”

"James." Her tone was one of warning before she pecked him lightly on the nose. "Until we get your invisibility cloak back, we shouldn't go anywhere. Dumbledore said we're being watched by You-Know-Who and his followers. We’re not safe outside our home."

James sighed loudly but he still complied and didn't argue further. Lily ran her own fingers through the black hair atop James' head, feeling sorry that she had to play bad guy. Lily had to admit; she was starting to feel confined in the cottage after months of hiding out from the dark wizards they so despised.

She found it soothing, knowing that they had wonderful friends who were warning them of the danger lurking outside their homely cottage but Lily couldn't help fearing that one day she'd lose her mind. How much longer could they stay locked up in their cottage for fear of death lurking outside of their windows? 

The Potter's were a wanted family, mainly for their blatant refusal to join the dark wizards rallying for world domination over muggles. Lily herself was wanted, simply because some wizards believed her marriage with James was revolting and unnatural. This was all because she was born to a couple of muggles (non-wizards) who were long dead. 

Lily had lost her parents to sickness. She'd lost her sister in retaliation for keeping her magic. She couldn't bare the thought of losing anything else thanks to the war. She loved James and Harry more than anything, and she couldn't imagine a world without them. That's the only reason why she played bad guy when James wanted to take a family outing.

The feeling of their confinement only increased when, suddenly, the handsome cry of an infant startled both Lily and James apart from each other. Next door, their small son could be heard crying out for his father. A smile spread across Lily's face as James groaned and threw the pillow over her head.

"Daddaaaaaaaa."

Lily giggled as her husband only complained, "coming Harry!"

That only made the 15-month-old baby cry out more. Lily wrinkled her nose at her husband and kicked his ankles playfully under the covers. James kissed her cheek before stretching his arms to the headboard.

"Why does Harry insist on _me_ being the one to get him up?" James complained.

"Go get him," Lily ordered James, "I'll meet you both downstairs for pancakes."

James rolled out from under the covers, goose-bumps immediately rising on his back and arms as he pulled on flannel pajama bottoms that had been on the floor from the night before. James' feet dragged the sleepy father to the hallway and into the bedroom next door where Lily heard James say hello to their son and Harry's giggle of a reply.

"How's my favorite son doing this morning?!" James boasted from the baby room.

"He's your only son!" She said loudly and lightheartedly into the other room.

“I don’t know,” James called back easily, “after last night, we might not be able to say that soon!”

Lily rolled her eyes as she stretched. James was determined to have more kids, while Lily just assumed it would happen eventually. They’d been trying to get pregnant since Harry turned one. So far, they’d had little success despite their more than adamant efforts. Lily was starting to think the stress from the war was making her infertile. She had a feeling James knew it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, but he looked for hope anywhere he could. 

She rolled out from under the warm covers to retrieve her dressing gown. Lily let the warm fabric fall over her shoulders as she imagined James flying their son around the nursery cheerfully, always eager to please. Lily's bare feet were chilled against the cold wooden slats of the floor and she searched for her slippers before starting the trek to the kitchen.

Random toys littered the stairs where Harry had left them. He was starting to climb easily and half of Lily's day was spent trying to corral him and the family cat into one room. A few picture frames littered the walls. One of Lily's favorite photos of Hogwarts (the wizarding school where she and James met) was sitting on the mantel in the hallway downstairs that led to the kitchen.

Lily stood in silence, letting the pictures bring her back to happier days.

Lily missed Hogwarts and the freedom she and James had grown accustomed to there. Back then, Lily and James had taken long walks on the lakeshores. They'd play quidditch; laughing with their best friends every night. Instead of drinking away their boredom like the Potter's often did now, Lily had shots of firewhisky on a dare before snogging her boyfriend (now husband) in secluded towers.

Lily lifted her eyes away from the photo of Hogwarts and onto a pointed mirror that had been on the wall ever since James was a child growing up in the Potter cottage. Lily's green eyes pierced back at herself through the old mirror and Lily frowned when she saw that her forehead had ceased with worry.

"Owl post is here, dear." The mirror said softly, startling Lily.

Lily nodded shortly, never fully comfortable that their mirror had a mind of its own. James had said it was his mother's favorite gift and that's why it was permanently glued to the wall but Lily had a sneaking suspicion it was glued to the wall because the mirror had a habit of complimenting James whenever he walked past it. However ego-fluffing the magical mirror was, it was never wrong and Lily entered the kitchen to find their own waiting on the counter with the daily newspaper and a few letters from friends.

Lily tossed the owl a bit of leftover bread before taking the letters and ripping them open. The first was from Harry's Godfather, writing to see if the Potter's had heard from Peter Pettigrew. Lily set Sirius' letter aside, intending to write to him after breakfast was finished. The second letter was from Lily's old Headmaster Dumbledore who requested that James and Lily meet with him as soon as possible to discuss possible measures of safety. Lily placed his letter down and turned to the newspaper just as James entered the kitchen with a baby on his hip.

Harry squealed the moment he saw his mother leaning over the table, "mama!"

James took the opportunity to pass Harry off to Lily, "he wants you."

Lily took Harry in her arms and kissed his pudgy baby cheek carefully before turning back to the newspaper. Lily almost dropped Harry in surprise at the large words printed in black bold ink: _You-Know-Who Has Fallen! Wizarding World In Shock!_

James, who had promptly gone to the fridge for some orange juice asked into the cooling box, "want me to start on some bacon?"

"James."

Her tone was one of utmost shock. Even Harry had stopped pulling on his mother's hair. Lily turned her face so she could show James the tears already leaking down her face. James dropped the orange juice on the floor and rushed to her side, pulling her hair back so he could search her face for answers. Getting none, he turned his attention to the newspaper clutched in her free hand. His dark face turned pallid.

"Gone." He croaked, "How's that possible—just like that? It can’t be that easy."

“I thought it was Harry.” Lily breathed, “The prophecy…”

James blinked owlishly, “there must have been another baby.” 

But before Lily could register that the paper was telling the Potter's they were free, a sound startled them both from the front entryway. The door was thrown open wildly; Lily heard it crash against the pram in the hallway. The Potter's eyes met instantly and James looked around wildly for his wand—which was still upstairs. Lily's wand was likely where she'd left it when James had started his advancements the night before in the bathroom. Lily's breath caught in her throat as she realized they were stupidly defenseless and Harry began crying as bolts of light started blasting through the Potter's cottage.

"Lily, take Harry and go!" James pushed Lily behind him, "Go! I'll hold them off!"

Lily took one look at her husband before scrambling away, "I love you."

It took every ounce of her being to run away from her husband as he threw his arms out to block her and Harry from the oncoming spells and cloaked figures entering their tiny kitchen. Lily raced to the back of the kitchen where a window was positioned behind a breakfast table. Lily placed Harry on one of the chairs as she frantically tried to pull the window open.

She heard James call out and she closed her eyes against the tears.

She knew she was doing the right thing.

They had to keep Harry alive.

Harry was still screaming as Lily picked him up and held him close when she saw a figure in a black cloak approach out of the corner of her eye. She twirled to face the intruder, her posture tall and brave despite the fear in her heart. The pain of the slicing spell across her cheek was nothing compared to the pain of seeing her husband thrown to the floor as a woman threw curse after illegal curse at him.

"No!" Lily bawled as the man in the cloak pointed a wand at her neck to stop her from moving for her husband, "Please, take me instead! _Leave him alone!_ Kill me!"

The woman ignored Lily, her wand positioned at James' crumpled form on the ground, "tell us what you know about the Dark Lord's disappearance!" The woman was insane, her black curls falling into her fuming eyes, "We know you've been talking to Albus Dumbledore!"

"We don't know anything!" Lily implored, hugging Harry and feeling the tears steak down her face, as James lay on the ground, lifeless, " _Please_!"

The woman turned her dark eyes on Lily, "We have it from a very reliable source that you and your mudblood loving husband have been working with Dumbledore for months! You were front-runners in The Dark Lord's disappearance! Don't deny it!"

Lily's hand gripped the back of Harry's face, shielding his eyes as the woman's wand came cracking town, striking James Potter in the back with lightening colored chords. Lily dropped to her knees as James' form barely twitched at the contact, struggling to say his name, struggling to get him to turn his eyes to her.

She needed to know he was okay.

She needed a reassuring smile.

She needed James to be okay because she _wasn't_ okay and she needed him more than anything on earth.

"Tell me mudblood!" The woman stepped over her husband's lifeless form as the person beside Lily grabbed her hair and yanked it back so Lily had to stare at the woman in the face, "Where is The Dark Lord?"

Lily choked on a sob, "I don't know…" she begged as the man yanked so hard on her hair some of his ripped, " _Please_ , don't hurt my son! I—I can't tell you anything!"

"Liar!" the woman arched her wand and suddenly, Harry dropped from Lily's arms to the floor, as Lily no longer had control of her body.

Pain radiated through every pore and Lily couldn't hear Harry's screaming anymore because she was screaming and her eyes felt like they were exploding from her head. Suddenly her vision brightened and she saw the picture, broken and by her hand on the floor, a photograph of all of them together. Harry was wearing his favorite jumper and James was smiling.

Her eyes looked at the dark.

**XxX**

"Lily."

That's what they called her. They all had overly kind faces as they entered her bedroom to help her prepare for another day. The one with the bright yellow hair clucked her tongue like a mother when she saw Lily had slept without her dressing gown again. Lily hated the gown, it felt like she was being swaddled and made her skin itch. Another woman with dark brown hair grabbed a dress made of pink cotton.

"There you go Lily," the brunette always says as the pink folds fall over Lily's eyes, "A pretty dress, you've got a visitor today."

Lily followed the women out the door of the pale white bedroom with dark curtains into a hallway bathed in florescent lights. There were always a lot of people in the morning. Their voices carried like a whisper, in one ear and out the other. Once in the large room filled with seats and tables, Lily's shoulder relaxed as she sat down at a familiar table by a window.

It was Lily's favorite window because it overlooked a lake and Lily liked the lake. She especially loved when the kind ladies would take her for walks around the lake because Lily liked the way the sun felt on her skin. One of the kind ladies brought Lily some tea and scones. Lily would pick out the blueberries one by one, always leaving them on a napkin. Music floated across the room and Lily recognized none of it—but that was no surprise—the tunes were new just as the dress on her body was new.

"Alright there?"

A voice entered the conversation and suddenly the dreariness of the table lifted slightly as Lily looked up from her scones to see a man with untidy hair and a cuppa standing over her politely. He was dressed well, like she was, only his hair looked as if it hadn't been brushed in decades. Lily brushed a strand of her red hair out of her eyes and nodded politely at him.

He sat down and offered her a hand, "they call me James."

Lily stared blankly at his hand, "Hullo." She took it kindly, "I'm Lily."

James' eyes searched hers, all warmth and hazel, "You are very pretty."

Red raced across Lily's features and she retracted her hand to her lap. When she peeked up through her eyelashes the boy looked mighty pleased that he'd gotten her to smile so profusely and blush. The woman who had brought him over smiled wide, her brown hair swinging in front of her face as she apologized to Lily.

"James is new to the ward," the woman told Lily, "and simply had to come talk to you."

James pushed a pair of dark black specs up his nose as he nodded, "I told her, you are the prettiest woman I've ever seen."

Lily thought of her red hair, streaked with white. Lily thought of her hallowed face, streaked with pain.

"You must not have seen very many women then." Lily commented gloomily.

"I've seen thousands." He debated conceitedly, "and you've got the prettiest smile out of all of them."

Lily stared at her scone. The nurse chastised James, telling him to eat his food and stop flirting with the neighbors. James scoffed and had a lot of sass. Lily liked him.

"So," James said conversationally when his female companion turned away to talk to Lily's companions, "What'd they lock you up for?" Lily stared at him in wonderment as he bit into his scone then continued, "they told me I suffer from PTSD after some big fight I got into but that's all they'll tell me."

Lily doesn't answer him because she's never asked. She was too scared to ask and find out what was wrong with her. She was too scared to ask why she woke up in the middle of the night screaming for someone to come back for her—but it was too late—they were already gone.

Her fingers curled up into her pink dress, stained purple from the blueberries.

Darkness sat in the corners of Lily's life. It was shroud in capes and it had no face, just a lingering feeling of despair. The nice woman around Lily always tried to help her escape the grasping black fingers that leaked from the corners but no matter what they did—the darkness covered her mind like a blanket. It was hard for any light to creep in.

Lily's visitor came around lunchtime.

It was always the same visitors and Lily didn't know who they were. They often sat with her a while and complemented how she looked but they never stayed very long. Lily didn't mind because she didn't have much to say to strangers anyways. Sometimes though, there was a boy and Lily liked him best. He never stopped talking to her and didn't seem put off by the fact that she'd never talk back. The boy had been coming to see her for years and always brought her fantastic stories of flying motorbikes, humans who could change into animals, and chocolate frogs. He came to visit her once a week until he turned eleven and then he wrote to her from his school in Scotland.

He always attached a chocolate frog to his letters.

Lily saved all the trading cards for him.

She knew the little boy loved them so.

The boy didn't stop by as often though and so, Lily looked for him in the faces off all her visitors. Finally, around Christmastime, the boy returned and he was much older. Lily looked up from where she was knitting with a few other ladies and her mouth fell open. The boy had grown by at least two feet. He wore freshly pressed robes and his hair was thrown to one side of his head haphazardly. Lily admired his shaven face as his almond shaped eyes glanced around the room to finally land on her.

His smile melted her heart.

"Hello!" he said excitedly as she put her knitting things down, "Can I have a hug?"

Lily shook as she stood up from her chair and he crossed the room in one fair stride, wrapping his arms around her in a motion that made her feel secure. Lily breathed in as he embraced her, the familiar smell of spice coming from his clothes. Her eyes opened when he let go from the hug and that's when a freckled woman appeared at his side.

Lily took a step back and the boy looked concerned. The woman grabbed onto the boy's arm possessively, staring at Lily with inquisitiveness. He normally came with another man, one who always stayed rather far from her, as if she frightened him. The man always wore a grin expression even if the boy was all smiles.

The boy reminded Lily, "I'm Harry."

Lily nodded, "I remember."

The woman stepped forward; prompting Lily to step back, "I'm Ginny Weasley."

Lily admired the freckled girl's hair, braided elaborately down the side of her head. Lily pointed at the braid and then to her own red hair that was spiraling down her back. The woman, Ginny, looked at Harry in confusion and Harry laughed.

"She likes your hair."

Ginny beamed before considering Lily, "Would you like me to braid your hair?"

A curious smile touched Lily's face but one of the women who helped Lily in the mornings stepped forward to block Ginny from moving closer.

"You cannot tug on her hair." The woman whispered urgently to the couple, "When Lily first arrived, anyone who even _touched_ her hair would get fingernails to their eyes…I haven't even been able to get it up in the past seventeen years."

Lily hated the shock on Ginny's face and the revulsion on Harry's. Lily fell into her seat, pushing the knitting needles away with one swipe. They clattered to the floor. One of Lily's nurses frowned and immediately bent down to grab them but Harry did so first, placing them gently in Lily's lap.

"It's alright," Harry said affectionately, his revulsion gone from his face, "No harm done, Ginny was just being nice."

Lily stared at the man, frazzled, "Why?"

Suddenly more nurses walked in and a man with dark messy hair similar to Harry's entered. Harry, as if sensing her eyes, turned his head to get a good look at the man. The man was a spitting image of Harry, now that Lily saw them in the same room. Lily wondered if they were related.

"Are you a Potter?" the man asked Harry, also noticing the similarity.

Harry chuckled and stood up from Lily's side to face the man respectfully, "I am," Harry announced, "My fathers side."

"James Potter," the man stuck out his hand and Harry, Lily's Harry, shook James' hand comfortably.

"We've met actually." Harry told James with a smile, "A couple of times when you were back in Lewistown Hospital."

"Have we?" James whistled, "Well, I always said I've got the memory of a goldfish."

Harry laughed and the sound was so pure to Lily, it felt as if her heart was on fire as she watched the boys banter. James let go of Harry's hand and looked directly past Ginny to where Lily was sitting. His hazel eyes lit up.

"You again." He breathed, ecstatic.

Harry tilted his head in confusion and Lily ducked her head as a nurse said quietly. "They've been meeting off and on the past couple of months but nothing has changed, Mr. Potter. They always forget."

James tore his eyes from Lily's to look at the nurse. "What's changed?"

"Nothing." Harry repeated, almost sourly. "Why don't we all have some lunch together?"

Lunch wasn't as dreadful as Lily expected. Lily sat next to Harry. The man, James, sat next to Ginny. Harry talked to Lily about school, apologizing for being gone so much but he was helping out his friend Neville Longbottom with a task that took him out of the country for a while.

"It wasn't that exciting." Harry promised Lily over soup, "it was mostly just long nights camping in the woods."

"Camping?" James asked from beside Ginny, “do you like camping?”

"He's awful at it if you ask me." Ginny pointed her finger at Harry, "This bloke came back to Hogwarts and spent the first half of the term just complaining about his bad haircut for _weeks_."

"Hermione did the shottiest cut in the world." Harry rolled his eyes as he ruffled his messy black hair comfortably, "It's just _finally_ growing back to normal."

"You've got the good Potter hair." James nodded firmly, before he tilted his head like a confused puppy. " _Say_ who's your parents again?"

Lily's eyes turned to Harry and Harry's eyes fluttered back to her. Harry said nothing because he could not tell James what he told Lily every time he visited as a child. He knew how much it hurt Lily every time he said it. Harry hadn’t spoken those words in years, almost as if he was worried to ever say them again. 

“You're my mother!” He used to cry as he was dragged away by a man with an earring, “you’re my mother!”

If that was true, if she truly was Harry’s mother, she couldn't remember him. Lily thought that made her a pretty terrible mother as far as mothers go. She couldn’t even remember her own mother. Or father. She was alone in the world. Harry was all she had left and some part of her clung to that connection. 

Now, Harry didn’t call her mum. He just brought Lily chocolate frogs and warm hugs every few months. He never pushed her and he never came with too many strangers. He knew that strangers made her wary. The sound of Harry’s voice brought her back to the present, away from the painful part of her past she could remember. 

"You probably wouldn't recognize the names." Harry replied to James casually with a brush of his hand. "We were off the Black family tree."

After lunch was over and Harry was saying his goodbyes, Lily settled into a chair by the fire with the box of chocolate frogs Harry had brought her. James settled right next to her, staring at her like she was made of stardust. Lily turned her cheek away from James, to the boy who had grown so much since she'd last seen him. Harry was speaking to the women with the bright yellow hair.

"I'm sorry," the woman uttered softly, "even he hasn't jogged any recollection for Lily and the Healer isn't convinced she'd help him."

Harry's voice carried over to the rocking chairs. "We've all seen his art.”

“It’s just art, Mr. Potter.”

“He _loves_ her."

"We can't have Lily go into relapse if he acts out. We can’t lose what ground we have with her.” The woman said somewhat harshly, "I'm sorry Mr. Potter, but Lily and James just aren't stable enough to know the truth yet."

“Harry,” Ginny placed her hand on his arm as she hissed, “we can come back everyday, whatever it takes, but we can’t rush them.”

"Your right." Harry finally gave in, "He could hurt her and then—"

Ginny whispered, "I’m so sorry Harry, but you must know this is doing the right thing."

Harry turned his eyes on the freckled woman he'd come with. "The right thing would've been to bring them back together years ago, to have given them a shot in the dark.”

All eyes turned to Lily and James. They continued talking and their voices were no longer traveling. James leaned forward in his chair to nudge her playfully with his foot. Lily turned her eyes on him disdainfully but he was all goofy smiles and charming winks.

"Want to break out and go for a walk?" he asked her.

Lily blinked softly, "what?"

"I know a few of the nurses really well." He replied quickly, "I can get them to give us walking time together, tomorrow?"

Lily didn't know why but she nodded and James looked as if she'd accepted a marriage proposal. Before James could say anymore, their nurses had returned. Lily's eyes searched the room and found that Harry and his friend had disappeared. Already Lily was trying to memorize every look on Harry's face. It did her no good of course; she'd already forgotten the exact color of his eyes by the next morning so she imagined them green like hers.

Lily was startled when the woman with the blonde hair surprised her with her walking shoes. Lily was put into a warm cloak and given a pretty head scarf to wear. It was freezing downstairs as the nurses walked her to the back door, wands aloft. When they passed people Lily was aware of the pitying glances sent her way. She tried to ignore them but it grew hard sometimes to remember that to the outside world—Lily was damaged beyond repair.

Once outside, the cold wintry air hit her cheeks. The woman walked her down to the lakeside where a tall boy with glasses was waiting. Lily perked up as she recognized the trademark hair.

_Harry?_

When the man turned to face Lily there were slightly off putting things about his face. Lily's Harry didn't have a slightly upturned nose. Harry's twin was a darker russet color and his eyes were round and hazel tinted. Lily wasn't the only one staring.

"You're beautiful." When the man smiled Lily flushed and she didn't know why.

"Always a charmer this one," one of the women in the red cloaks laughed, "are you both ready for your walk?"

Lily watched the boy's breath float across the air like mist. She took a deep breath and blew out, smoke pouring from her mouth like she was a dragon. The boy laughed and did the same, until they were breathing smoke at each other, back and forth. The nurses loved their game and played along with Lily and her new friend.

When she was getting winded from the game she stopped and stared at the boy, who was smiling broadly. He had a wide forehead and she liked the way his glasses only made his hazel orbs bigger, as if he were constantly surprised by life.

"I'm James." He told her, “James Potter.”

"Lily." She held out her hand, “Lily Evans.”

“Alright, Evans.” He shook her hand. 

Lily met James for a walk every day that month. Sometimes, it was too cold and Lily's helpers would bring her to the study hall where James was already waiting with a cup of herbal tea. He liked to talk, just like Harry. In fact, he talked more than Harry _and_ he talked with his hands. He knocked over a teacup a day when he got the most enthusiastic.

Lily loved his stories, she didn't know if they were all true but she had a feeling that he didn't know either.

When he wasn't throwing his hands around, James spent a lot of the afternoons drawing on scraps of paper as he talked to her. Lily's favorite drawing was of his broken teacups. He laughed at her for that and grabbed her hand. She wasn't startled by the movement and allowed him to drag her down the hall after sneaking them past the nurse guarding the door.

She felt like a child as they snuck into one of the bedrooms by the elevator. James pushed open the door without letting go of her hand. Lily's jaw dropped. Every inch of the room was covered in drawings. Lily let go of James' hand so she could properly investigate each photo. James pointed out his favorites.

"That's a hippogriff." He said of one drawing of a winged creature, "And over here I drew my mate Sirius, you'd like him, he's clever."

Lily stared at a picture of James' friend keenly. The boy in the portrait was handsome, with a slight shadow of doubt somehow drawn into his expression. There was a fanged earring on his left ear and a smirk flying across his right cheek. Lily found that if she stared at the sketch long enough it looked like someone she knew from a dream.

"Come here." James called to her from a corner by his bed stand.

Lily took her time walking over to where James stood impatiently for her. Some paintings were of a great vast lake and some were of three tall hoops glinting in the sunlight. There were more and more sketches as she drew closer to his bed. Sketches of wizards in cloaks. Sketches of a tawny owl and black cat.

"This one's my favorite."

Lily's heart leapt in her throat.

_That's me._

The arch of the nose was shaded perfectly. The sketch portrayed Lily as hauntingly beautiful, like a ghost. The stroke marks were precariously placed so that her skin seemed to float off the page. Lily reached out to touch the portrait, feeling the raised indentations where James had inked the sharp curve to her jaw.

"There's more." James seemed encouraged by her hush and opened the drawer of his bedside table to pull out a handful of papers, all with Lily's face on them.

Some of the portraits were even colored, showing off vivid green eyes. Lily stared longingly at one sketch where her face seemed softer and her smile seemed real. In that portrait she was _even_ holding a wand aloft playfully, instead of staring at the end of a wand in fear.

"I knew the moment I saw you." James said from behind her as she stared at another sketch of her frowning, "I _knew_ you were the same girl I kept seeing in my dreams and sketching for years…"

James picked up the drawing where Lily was laughing, "This was the first one I ever drew—sixteen years ago."

Lily turned, her back against the bed frame as she stared at him, "Sixteen years?"

"I think it's been that long." He whispered, "That's what Sirius told me."

Lily blinked at him, noticing the way his eyes turned dark, like the same darkness that haunted her was creeping into him.

Lily reached up and touched his cheek fondly. "Don't let the darkness take you."

When his eyes shifted and he looked back down at her there was a hardness to his features, "It always takes me, eventually."

She blinked slowly, “it takes me too.”

James breathed, “I think I love you.”

It was a statement so bold and so without reservation. It startled Lily but only for a moment because he seemed so sure about loving her that she _couldn't_ question it because she could only stare at him in astonishment.

"Can I draw you like you are right now?" he murmured, "You seem so surprised."

"Yes." She replied as his hand cupped her face.

"Lily! _James_! There you are!"

The nurses found them and reprimanded them both for running off.

"I love her." He told them decisively, "We _want_ to be together, right Lily?"

Lily couldn't answer but she stared at James and knew with every ounce of her being that something drew her to him. The nurses whispered to each other as they forced Lily and James back into the main recreation area. Funnily enough though, after James' declaration, Lily and James were allowed to spend more and more time alone together.

James sketched Lily as she knitted.

James painted little flowers onto her arm with a paintbrush.

They went for walks around the lake.

Lily taught him how to knit.

James taught her how to draw.

"I like spending time with you." James told Lily honestly as she tucked one of his sketches into her dress pocket.

"Me too." She managed to garble incoherently, even though there was so much more she wanted to tell him.

James kissed her cheek during their before-bedtime walk down the halls on New Years Eve. His mouth lingered just enough by her own lips, allowing her to breathe deeply despite his close proximity. It was strange to Lily how one man could make her feel so safe and comfortable but she didn't want to question her feelings for fear of losing herself. 

Lily finally let the words she'd been holding back slip from her lips as he pulled away from his kiss, _"I love you."_

He just stared blankly at her and didn't say it back. His hazel eyes darkened and his fists curled at his side as a torturous expression leaked across his normally calm features. Lily watched as his companions helped walk him away, talking to him in undertones Lily couldn't hear.

"James!" Lily shouted worriedly after him as one of the women pointed their wands at his neck, " _James!"_

Lily's own nurses forced her backwards towards her own room as she began shaking. They forced her into her dressing gown and back into her stiff bed. Lily lay there in reserve, her fingers grasped around a piece of parchment where James had sketched their names together.

**xXx**

January 1st was quiet and still.

Lily went to the main hall with a nurse only to find James wasn't waiting in his usual spot. Worry was pumped into every vein in her body and Lily's eyes frantically buzzed about the room for her friend.

She had lost so much.

She didn't want to lose him.

She _couldn't_ afford to lose him.

"Is something wrong Lily?" the nurse noticed Lily's panic and stepped forward, "Speak, Lily, speak."

"No.”

“No, what?”

“ _James_."

The nurse looked around and noticed what Lily had; James was missing from his rocking chair. The nurse placed a hand on Lily's arm and Lily winced at the contact, jumping away. In response the nurse ripped her wand out from her robes, ready to disable Lily's thoughts with one swift flick.

"What's going on?" another nurse came upon the scene with worry on her face, "How can I help?"

"She's spooking over James." Another nurse replied as Lily sank to her knees, “She remembers him.”

“That’s a first.” 

“Too bad he’s down the rabbit hole again.”

"James." Lily cried, fingers scratching down her cheeks as her eyes fluttered around the room for his smile. "I _need_ James."

All the nurses in the area had their wands out now. Lily heard them hissing back and forth, as if she weren’t crying in front of them. As if they didn’t really see her pain and anguish. 

"I heard Amanda say that he had a bad episode last night.”

“They had to bind him to the bed,” Lily’s normal nurse said, “he kept fighting the night team."

"Well great, now _she's_ having a bad episode without _him_ around to soothe her."

"Lily? Lily honey you need to get up… _Lily_!"

The room twirled for a few seconds and then Lily's eyes closed against their own free will.

Lily woke up eventually, like she always did, but this time was different because she was hyper aware that the room she was in wasn't her own. Lily turned her cheek on the pillow and saw she was in a new room with walls whiter than snow. Swallowing, Lily sat up, the sheets stiff against her bare legs. The dressing gown they'd put her in was prickly against her arms.

Someone came rushing through the door the moment she moved. She looked nice, like all of the woman in red robes looked. Lily still shivered against the strange woman's touch, not liking how it felt. It reminded her of the first time she'd woken up in a strange room with people surrounding her bed. Friendly faces that shouted names and things at her until she burst into tears and never saw them again.

"How are you feeling Lily?"

Lily's mouth stayed clamped shut as the woman in red finished an entire body exam getting nothing from Lily except a few short head nods. Once Lily was deemed healthy, a balding man with round glasses entered the room. Lily recognized him from some sort of nightmare. Something in Lily's mind made her heart start beating a little faster.

"This is Healer Morrison, Lily," the kind woman introduced the man, "he wants to speak with you."

The healer took a seat on a black rolling chair that squeaked when it moved. Lily sat stiffly in place, feeling hazy and confused as the healer stared her down. The healer was dressed in white robes and he seemed to glow under the fluorescent lights above. Lily rubbed her eyes to stop him from becoming two people.

"Dizzy?" The healer asked.

Lily nodded tersely.

"Do you know why you blacked out?"

Lily breathed sharply and then shook her head no.

"Do you remember Harry?"

Lily saw a flash of a smile and then shook her head yes.

"Do you remember James?"

Lily squeezed her fists shut, feeling lonely and scared when no picture matched the name. She racked her brains, trying to come up with a James. She needed that name to make sense. All she felt was overwhelming pain. 

"Who is James?" She lifted her eyes to the bright ceiling, “who am I?”

The Healer's eyes softened and he put his quill down. Lily noticed beyond the Healer's right shoulder there was a window and it overlooked a city street. Lots of people were bundled up because snow covered the ground like a soft white blanket. Lily wished she was buried in the snow, rather than buried in the starch white covers they'd placed her in.

"Lily?" The woman in red asked for attention.

The Healer shook his head no when the healer made a move to touch Lily’s shoulder, "she’s already gone."


End file.
